eve of eve


It’s the eve of NYE
this time of the year probes reflection for me, and i guess for many others as well
Some people think it through
but i like typing it out
i like how typing allows me to gain better clarity of my thoughts & feelings (even if they don’t come out too clearly sometimes)
and it helps me sort things out
heh
i love how typing is like having a little conversation with myself,
in my head.
🙂

Another semester has flown by just like that
Sometimes time passes so quickly i can literally feel its gush as it whizzes past me

Someone i know recently commented about how he’s at a phase where he’s searching for his direction in life
and it really prodded thoughts about how we’re all at different phases, searching for different things, going through such different experiences
It is so incomprehensibly vast, yet kind of incredible to me
how individuals are made up of so many many many different experiences
which have shaped us all in terms of self presentation and self perception.
When i see a street full of people, they seem like living, breathing, walking storybooks to me
– we’re all made up of little stories –
and there are so many stories we’ll never know of – they don’t ask, we don’t tell

Can’t remember which close friend with whom i’ve had this conversation
but we were looking back at the photos of the group of us taken at the beginning of 2014
and comparing it with the mental picture of us now
So many fluctuations in the group size and membership (oops! pl3240 acting up a little here. i did shitty for this mod though. ugh) – additions, subtractions
and some changes in our dynamics
Sometimes i hate how change is really the only constant
but oddly, that’s something i can’t change
so i guess i’ll learn to accept this fact
or rather, this perception.

2014 has been one of the choppiest years, as far as i can remember
It’s seen losses and gains of sorts i’ve never experienced before,
it’s brought me to connecting with people whom I’m very thankful for,
it’s allowed me to, literally, REACH out to many others,
and it’s grown me in ways i never would’ve, had it not been for the very experiences i’ve been through this 2014, all of the lessons for which I’m thankful for
even if some were more painful than others
even if i think i could do without certain lessons
and even if i wish some didn’t happen.
But i guess this is what we call Life.

—-

Some things i have learnt in 2014:

If you don’t ask, the answer will always be ‘No’

Broken hearts, like broken arms and legs, require time to heal. And some processes in life, like these, you can’t hurry

Sometimes there aren’t right or wrong decisions in life. I believe in taking a choice to make a decision, then making it right (even if it’s cognitive dissonance at work),
making the best out of whatever i have with whatever i have at that point in time
Even if it doesn’t turn out as desired, at least i know i’ve tried

Even if we’re aware of cognitive biases like the sunk cost fallacy and optimism bias, it doesn’t mean we won’t fall for it
Human beings are suckers like that
And sometimes we’re dumber than we’d like to admit

Sometimes, reckless & spontaneous decisions will turn out to be one of the best decisions you’ve ever made

Do the kinds of things that come from the heart.

And save your heart for someone who truly cares.

Sometimes, not all times, and for certain situations
Try, but don’t try too hard
Don’t let go too soon, but don’t hold on too long
We know, but we do it anyway.

Things always seem clearer on hindsight
and there really are things for which “it’s never too late” cannot be applied
Sometimes, it really is too late.

One of the hardest things to do in life is letting go of what you thought was real.

We’ll all have to go through what we have to in our own time
this applies to the phases of our lives when we’re searching for a direction, or working towards a goal
or it could be the time where we graduate and we’ve to search for a job
it could be the season to fall in love, to fall out of love, to heal, or to recover
It could be so many things
But the bottomline is that when it’s our time, there’s no evading it
so we must as well embrace it

Stop complaining about things you can change.
Complaining doesn’t change anything and it won’t make you any happier.

I have also learnt that sometimes in life, even your best will not be enough
and that is okay.
My best may not be enough for others, or to meet certain external standards held by others
but it’ll always be enough for me
Knowing i gave my best leaves me with no regrets
and that, for me, is enough.

If you can’t beat the fear, just do it scared.

Really, nothing is permanent in this life.

“Sometimes, we take our loved ones for granted.
Because it’s easy.
Because we’re too lazy to be nice, and being nice takes a lot of effort.
Sometimes, we behave our worst to the ones we love most, when we should have been at our best.”
(quote from marcellapurnama.com/why-we-behave-our-worst-to-loved-ones/)


 Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm … As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

Sometimes you just have to take a day to shut the world out so you can open up to yourself and deal with the chaos inside of you. And you don’t need to feel guilty or apologize or try to justify needing space. You just do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and that’s it. No explanation needed.

a friend shared this paragraph of a reading and i think it’s worth a share, so here’s it:
“Take action in your life and instead of complaining about how terrible this person is who’s obviously emotionally unavailable and just cut them out of the equation. Don’t make excuses for them. Don’t hold out hope that maybe, someday they’ll come around. They won’t. Delete them from your phone, Facebook, or whatever. Come to peace with the decision and move on. You deserve someone who’s going to eagerly ask you out, who’s excited about your next date, who thinks about and considers what’s going on in your life. And when you find that person who does do all of that and more you’re going to wonder why you even stayed around the others. “


(edit: added on section)
Today’s Day 98 of my originally 100happy/grateful days
but i realised that on some days, some moments touch my heart and I’ve no idea where to place it
under ‘happy’ or ‘grateful’
So i decided, on hindsight, that the past 97/98 days have been mindful days 🙂
So there. Here’s day 98 of joey’s mindful days:
Meeting the warm seller of my bowl of tauhuay + black sesame balls
she serves customers with so much passion and cheeriness that it has touched and infected me too 🙂

Originally used instagram as my 100 days platform but a few days ago
i’ve been questioning my use of it
and I’m starting to feel the meaninglessness of it all
What’s the purpose of all that? To connect? To remember? To connect AND remember? (which was what i had intended on using it for)
But if it really was to be preserved for personal future reminiscing, why show and tell?
Because joy doubles when shared? What is at the core of it all and why do we succumb?
So I’m laying off fb and instagram for awhile to more private sites like my wordpress and tumblr.
(But that doesn’t mean i won’t use it anymore. Maybe more mindful usage or for special moments/occasions.)
Some times you just want to shut everything out
and I’m having one of those times
Liking it so far 🙂

here’s to 2015
i will bleed for better reasons this coming year.

with love,
j

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